It basically revolves around this love triangle between the cross-dressing pervert Honda Yu, the man-hating lesbian Ozawa Yoko, and the soul-seeking cult leader Aya Koike. I do believe She was the second person to ever love me
and as such I think She taught me the meaning of unconditional love. I think since meeting Her, I've really become a lot more empathetic, not just in real life, but also in media. Everyone here was literally me, if I even had those at the time. I think at this point I just learned to empathize. Anyway, I was the pervert cross-dresser afraid of being discovered to be a man in love with a man-hating lesbian and I was also turning into a man-hating lesbian at the same time. I wanted a soul so bad, and I became obsessed with the only person I saw with a soul inside of them. Of course, I'm still me, I only recognize the worst parts of all of them, but maybe I could be good again. Maybe I could learn to be like them in the good ways. There's a point at the emtional climax where Yoko quotes Corinthians 13 to Yu after he's kidnapped her to stop the plot by Koike. He later reads it to himself and internalizes it, truly becoming Sasori-san, his cross-dressing kung fu samurai alter ego who saves Yoko from the cult.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Again, part of idea is to Load and Unload the image in my mind so I can be normal again.
This one is simple, I loved a girl, and I wasn't quite so symptomatic yet. I really wanted Her to have a good birthday. I bought a stuffed raccoon, asked for a friend's headband, learned to hand sew, made modfications to a 3d model of a dumpster, modified the headband to fit the racoon, printed the dumpster in parts and attached it together, made like 6 trash-bags bean-bags with my red ceremonial ribbon to represent Her helping me become Monika more, bought some streamers and put them up, baked a cake that was disgustingly sweet because She said She loved sugar, and wrote a letter to give to Her on the day of. Definitely not a lot of labor for someone I've known less than a month. Anyway, I have a photo from that day. I love it. It was such a good time.
I actually ended up sending something quite different than the personal letter. She just made me feel too much that day. What I said was
I don't know if I'm having a manic episode or not, but there is something happening to me recently. I think for some reason I'm in love with you. I'm engulfed by the feeling, but I know that logically I shouldn't (not because you're not deserving but because I've only known you for less than two monds) and I probably won't feel this way for long without constant support, and I'm trying to get over it. I start to narrow my vision of my role in your ultimate goal, and the definition of what type of familial role I should fulfill narrows, and when you say things things like "let's make them buy our wedding rings" or "I totally talked to you initially because I thought you were pretty" or "If we had a baby, which one of us would be pregnant?" it does something to that section of my mind.
If you're trying to feed that section, great keep it up, and maybe we can do something about that, but if you DON'T want to feed that section maybe don't say things like that to me as often, and i'll probably go back to normal.
I think when you said you were "lovebombing" me, maybe you were onto something
She replied
sorry 😔 this is just how i am
like i am a REAL LOVER.
like i have this pathological need to create love in my life, so i am fine with you being in love with me because i love YOU
i don’t really understand if my love for you is romantic or not, but i know i feel love
Between Letter 2 and Letter 3 I had broken up with ex-husband, and moved out completely. I was also at this point, I think quite unstable in truth. She said She wanted to learn how to drive so she could see Her friends. I wanted to see Her so bad, I said let's learn right now. She crashed my car, and honestly I don't even remember being that mad. She thought I didn't process it, but I think this was the moment, to borrow a term from Disco Elysium, She became Innocentic. I was doing embarassing, regrettable things like asking Her to not hold my hand in front of my roommate. There's some real volitility and these next couple letters all happen within a couple days of each other, yes days. After reading this, She said I gave Her "the Ick" when I was unstable. Looking at the log, it came out of nowhere, and I don't think She liked it. For some reason the day before I thought She was going to die (maybe that phone call)? She said it was "somewhat relieving." I think it was maybe a bit of a cope that became the truth. Fucking kill me this letter is awful. I hate what I did to myself in this time. I hate it all. I lost Her for nothing. She was in trouble with someone else for the same thing. She said it was somewhat stressful for some reason She couldn't identify. I really just fucking ruin everything I touch don't I. I'm not strong enough to go through these messages EVER AGAIN. I even told Her "I think my most disordered thought on it all was that you were kind of intentionally fucking with me and you didn't care and I didn't care, I enjoyed being fucked with."
Truly wild DMs interspered in these couple days. "I think basically what it comes down to is I feel like you hate me.
I feel like unless you understand that in the moment and are trying to actively change my mind, you say some pretty hurtful things, like I look at you weird, and I should avert my gaze or I'm a gross pervert, or my favorite hobby is a sex pest hobby.
[REDACTED] gets to be this beautiful princess who can do no wrong, and even when he pisses you off intentionally you turn it into pure adoration for him. When I try to stop pissing you off by doing exactly what you told me, you get upset and think I hate you. That feels bad. You even ranked him higher on the princess ranking and then removed me from it, turning me into a lower ranked knight. It's hard to not take that comparison personally/directly when you called me princess before him.
I just feel like nothing I do is right, so maybe I should just stop doing something. I realize that I don't have a lot of presence at the current moment since I'm not manic anymore. I'm kind of a low energy observer, and I say things occasionally, so I don't provide much positive stimulus. Maybe that's boring and you can't handle that.
Obviously I'm literally mentally ill and at the worst part of my depressive phase right now, so take everything with a grain of salt. I'm just frustrated because I'm trying to do things I remembered liking and then not enjoying them. Maybe I just don't like anything right now, so it could be non-personal, but just something to think about while it was on my mind. I don't hate you, I just feel like you don't want to see me right now, and are inviting me out of habit."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I ADORE YOU
my heart beats for you
and i’m never actually upset with you
[REDACTED], on the other hand, does piss me off regularly
and i have to use my DBT skills on him
i’m just not using my dbt skills when i interact with you, maybe it would be better if i started to
i’m sorry princess i will change my ways"
I told Her I'd really think about this. Really try to internlize it. I think meditating on this passage so much is part of why I felt so strongly when She called me annoying. I think it saved my life. I never actually sent this letter to her.
Another letter that went unsent. Thank God too. I'm really not as awful as I thought I was.
This one was a while later than the others. I posted it to 4chan. I was going crazy. I really have no explanation for it. We started talking about cels, incel music and stuff. I remember at this time listening to Gezebelle Gaburgably's Gaburger. She said She liked "I Don't Speak to Whores" and maybe that meant that like Gezebelle got the seal of approval. I like to imagine we probably both felt this in some way, same as with Mannequin Pussy's I got Heaven earlier. I like to imagine it was kind of symmetric, but it kind of was all my fault. This is, ironically, probably one of the more accurate version of events in my crashout era. She loves people "with skills." I'm lacking in the skill department. I could work to become Her lover probably, but at the moment, She's not interested in someone who can only reflect a thing She gave them. I could only reflect the beauty I stole from Her, I could never present Her with something original, not yet anyway.
I don't need to go through logs to find this one out. I was an alcoholic, and She told me I was "annoying." You can read about my alcholism in The Rise of Gloria Ambrosious Costeau. It starts in November and goes well beyond this, but for this, She told me I was annoying and that's all it really took for me to change. I was also having psychiatric problems at the time, exacerbated by the extreme isolation of winter break. I got a new medication which led to...
I thought I was having serotonin syndrome. I thought I was dying. I decided that death was preferable to being disliked by Her, so I wrote a suicide note. Unattached in the post are all my passwords and who to contact for when my corpse is found. I of course never sent this one either. She didn't need to know I was killing myself for Her in my mind. I did tell Her to listen to Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots though.
Well, after the exile mentioned in Gloria Ambrosious Costeau, I didn't see Her much. I thought maybe I did something wrong, maybe She secretly hated me (a thought I have often about many people). I sent this letter to Her and She said that she was busy and stuff and that a lot of personal things were going on, it wasn't really about me. Well, actually She said She wouldn't have kept me updated on Her location, which I think is kind of.. telling? I think that's not something to celebrate and so I didn't. I had a minor crashout about "not wanting to think pathetic thoughts," and then She told me that things were personal. I'm actually still waiting on Her to invite me somewhere. I want to say I'm not going to invite Her, but I kind of crave Her presence. I want to see Her and do something and try make Her happy. She said She has difficulty inviting people to do things with Her, I think because She's way more afraid that they'll say no. I'm worried She can't say no. It's complicated.
I showed this blog to someone and they said that "this has taught me is that you hide the motive of pain behind of your actions quite well." In a way, the amount of pain reflected in this blog I think is kind of beautiful. It's like, maybe I really did just have Shit Life Syndrome for a while, maybe there's a future where I can be happy, one where my emotions are not dominated by remembering pain, and experiencing pain, and seeing the pain of others. She made me so happy one time I felt like my chest was going to burst. She made me so happy one time I, unable to understand anything than pain, stopped thinking. She reduces me down to non-verbality. Words cannot describe Her, they cannot even describe what She radiates. She's horrifying in that sense. I think maybe, I'll feel the way She made me feel for a long time. I think I've found other people who gave me that same thing. I think maybe it's going to be all around me, until the day I die. I think maybe I unlocked something through Her, or else She gave me some gracious gift that can't be taken away. I have to save that, catalogue it, break it down, understand it, make it understandable for other people. I was storing all this across facebook and a word document, and it didn't make sense, I couldn't find what I was looking for. I didn't realize how many of my thoughts were about Her though. It's weird even to me. Maybe the captial H Her is a little less of a joke than I realized.
I want to be a writer, I want to write every day, just for the fuck of it. So I'll be adding shit to this blog that might not matter as much. That might be a little off topic, a little weird. I'm still going to try avoiding talking about people I know irl with the obvious exception, but I intend to write here or somewhere else, every day as long as I can.