I’m writing this letter/card mostly as an explanation of how I feel and why I decided to try so hard on your birthday. I thought about handwriting this, but I was told that it didn’t look good and I wanted you to actually be able to read it if you chose to.
Our relationship fills some sort of niche inside me. I don’t exactly know how to describe it, but there’s something special about you, or at least your presentation around me, that I’m interested in. You mentioned in a message that it could be familial, and I wouldn’t disagree. Sometimes when I’m around you, I see parts that are similar to my favorite parts of myself or are parts I wish I had. As with all things, it could be your presentation around me, or it could be the True [REDACTED], but I think even the ability to emulate those characteristics is something special, so I don’t really care, it still amazes me. I also see you say and do things sometimes that remind me of myself in a negative way. I see you do things that are self-destructive, not in the impulsive sense you’ve described before, but in a long-form way, creating a negative feedback loop.
I love you and I don’t want to see you mistreated or unduly negatively characterized. I don’t like hearing people call you “mean”, when I’ve never seen you act out of malice. I don’t like it when people are intentionally hurtful, and you don’t fight back. I think, and I believe I remember you saying this, that you put up with it because you think you’re “unlovable,” “not valuable” or otherwise “undeserving”, and I wanted to do something for you to hopefully make a memory that would make you feel less like that. I wanted to make the cake and the gift and do everything I could to make you feel loved and accepted by us, or at least me so you will stop putting yourself through those situations. In a selfish way, I feel like I’m watching myself get hurt again through you. Just, try to take care of yourself, and make choices that make you happy; that’s all I want.