Re-reading what I had written in my personal letter folder to reveal at a later date vs what I actually ended up texting you, I still stand by what I wrote in that letter, and, ultimately, but to a lesser extent, what I ended up texting you.
I think I’ve come down from my manic state fully now. I feel very normal and in control of my life. I’m impulsive, since I instilled that into myself, but I don’t think I’m being overly optimistic or viewing things through such a distorted lens, and with this newfound perspective I feel that I have some news I think you’re probably relieved to hear. I don’t think I’m in love with you, I think I just love you platonically a great deal. You’re important to me, and I want to see you safe, and I stand by everything I said in that first letter I wrote.
This realization came to me in several waves. The first was with [REDACTED], I realized that [REDACTED] cared for you very deeply when he made that video series, that you’re a very loved person, and perhaps an easy person to love given how you communicate. I realized that my feelings were rather shallow in comparison, and I was not someone who could experience such dedication in that moment.
The next was when I noticed you made an effort to stop talking about those certain topics I mentioned in the text, the jokes about children and marriage and stuff. Sometimes when you would say that nobody would marry you, I’d hurt for you but also myself because I thought that in some far off way I could have been someone who would. I still think you’ll find a partner, but I can’t imagine that being me right now though. I wasn’t sure if those were hints or not, and now I’m pretty sure they weren’t. I think it’s actually probably very normal to not automatically volunteer yourself mentally when someone says they want to get married but don’t know who, and I think this is kind of proof I was thinking unnaturally.
The last was when I got my housing approved. I think that it gave me a sense of finality and security that I was missing in my life. I think part of me craved the appearance of security you gave me, and I interpreted that security in relation as security in position, and I was so grateful I couldn’t conceive of it being anything other than that “very special connection” you’re supposed to only feel for one person, romantic love. I’ve spoken to [REDACTED], (well, really everyone) about you a lot, and she said that my situation was very similar to hers. I told her earlier today that I realized I didn’t want you romantically, and she confirmed that in her parallel story, something very similar had happened; she lost all sense of romantic attraction to the person she had the emotional affair on her husband with when she made the change she needed.
She said that sometimes in life when you go through difficult situations, certain people act as catalysts for change, that sometimes you can project these feelings you need to feel on people in your life who best fit those roles, and that those projections can disappear whenever you solve the problem that was causing the projection. Catalysts are typically not consumed, I know you’re a strong person, so I hope this hasn’t harmed you. Obviously you’re allowed to have opinions and feelings and thoughts about it all, or offer corrections in case I grievously misunderstood something. I understand if you feel upset that I’ve acted the way I did, and if you need like space from me because I have been a very difficult person lately.