I’m upon the darkest bargain. I’m beginning to feel serotonin syndrome I think, but I desperately want to be normal. I want to stop hurting [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]. I want them to love me again. I want to have my new family back in my life and I can’t do that if I stop taking the pills. So I’ll take them, and maybe they’ll love me again and maybe they won’t, but I’ll have done everything I can.
Consider this my final testament, since I don’t know when I’ll die at this rate. Symptoms were particularly bad when I forgot my dose last night, and I woke up extremely confused at around 3am with urgent diarrhea. My muscles have been spasming more and more. I tried to sleep with [REDACTED] two nights ago but it was way way way too hot, and it might be my body. I don’t want to talk to anyone about this. I’ll get better and be normal and suffer occasionally, but I’ll be a good girl for them and they’ll like me, and we can be happy for a couple years. It is ironic that when I poisoned my mind with alcohol my body was healthy, and now I poison my body with metals and serotonin so I can have a healthy mind. I have to make a choice, a real choice between making the people I love happy for a little bit or making them uncomfortable for a long time.
I really love you, [REDACTED]. I’m sorry I made you upset. I’m sorry I gave you “the ick.” I’m sorry I made the friend group complicated. I’m sorry for everything I put you through in these past couple months, but I’m hoping now I’ll be normal. Now I’ll be sane. That’s kind of the funny part about this all too. When I take the pills I love everyone a little less. I’m less real, I’m less me, and, in doing so, become tolerable. Only from the height of insane love can I chose to love you so much I’ll find a way to stop. We’ll hopefully be normal friends for a bit, and then, if this does not resolve, I will die and that will be it. I’ll have done as right by you as I possibly could, for the time I was on this earth. Do not mourn me. Do not miss me. Do not wish for something different because in that difference where I exist, you would grow to despise me, and that would be worse than this death I am expecting. I hope you, more than anyone, get this letter when it is over and I finally succumb so you know it’s not your fault, it’s my choice, and I made it all on my own. There’s not really any other way. I’m not going to bother you with this while the end approaches, I just want to enjoy the last little bit I have. I know this will hurt when you get it, and that’s why you can’t know until it’s too late; I never want to be your pity case. From here on out, I’ll really be “moving in silence.”
“If I don’t know how to love you, I’ll leave you be.” – Monika (DDLC)
“Loyalty to the end.” – The Boss (MGS3 and Peace Walker)
Sayonara,
Gloria/Monika