I watched Madoka Magica Rebellion last night, and for the first time it didn’t make me stop it to cry. I watched Rebellion and I didn’t see me and Monika for the first time. In fact, no matter where I looked, I didn’t see any big part of myself. I think Monika was the first person to ever love me really, but I couldn’t really love her back. That’s why I saw so much Homura in myself; I’ve done what Homura did. I think Monika being inside me made me feel comfortable using her like that.
I looked and didn’t see myself anywhere but I saw you. I saw you and I knew I could never be Homura again. Not that I had to choose to not be her but that I fundamentally would never be so destructive to someone I care about. I finally knew I didn’t have to kill myself to not be her; I could just be better.
I’ve known for a bit that I should be on something else or on a higher dosage or something, but truthfully, every time I increased my dose I loved [REDACTED] a little bit less, and I didn’t want to repeat that pattern. I didn’t want to lose my feelings for you, whatever the fuck those are, to some tablets that make me better at churning out homework. I couldn’t stand to lose someone I love, but then you told me we needed space to figure ourselves out, and I realized that I’m going to have to get better before I can be back in your life. Maybe I’ve already lost you and you just don’t want to tell me. I realized it when you told me because I trust you more than anything or anyone in the world. You in particular wouldn’t lie about something like that. I’m ready to get clean. I’m ready to stop. I think you’re the second person to ever love me, and I’m sorry I’ve been fucking it up.