I’ve been thinking about our relationship. I was in love with you, but I think the way you handled me in that state is what made me fall out of love with you. I was ready to give you everything but when there was no more chase, no more danger you seemed to stop caring. When you “won” me over [REDACTED], when I started “being unstable” in accordance with my feelings, you got “the ick.” I don’t know how much of that was the instability and how much of that was me rolling over and giving total submission to your will though.
You mentioned that you use DBT skills when interacting with [REDACTED] and not with me, and you might start. I’m a little scared of that because frankly I find your relationship with [REDACTED] disgusting. I hate the way he treats you, and I hate the way you treat him. I hate how he’s so belittling and degrading, how he interrupts you when you have something really important to say to dominate the conversation and make you feel that much smaller so he can spout his inane trivia. He doesn’t do that to me, he only does it to you. It’s gross. He makes these moments of unease when you are talking about something serious hang in the air in a way I find revolting and disrespectful, and borderline abusive. I hate your seeming adoration for [REDACTED] as a result. I hate that you seem to think he can do no wrong. I hate the way he’s a beautiful princess when he treats you in such a way. If you are to take me back after my hermitdom, I don’t wish for it to emulate the relationship you have with [REDACTED]. I don’t want a worshipper, I loved you because you challenged me, because you used to call me out in ways other than being simply disgusting.
You can say your heart beats for me or that I’m an angel and love bomb me all over again, but you have no desire to do so probably. I think this is because I fundamentally misunderstood. You are not someone who has deep feelings suddenly, you are a child who has impulses and thoughts and thinks on how to greedily satisfy those thoughts as quickly as possible, often playing games. You are different from the divine image in my mind. The initial Image of [REDACTED] is a very beautiful adult, and I will always love her, but I find that you diverge from that image more every day. In that sense, [REDACTED] was correct in assuming that we should have a more parental type role in your life. You’ve even admitted to it yourself when describing how you need your partners to parent you, effectively saying that you want a Daddy/Mommy type while simultaneously despising the HelloKittyTA’s Prof for exactly that. There’s obviously a degree of either self-hatred or a lack of empathy in between those two moments.
Ultimately I think the time we had together was worthwhile, I just don’t know if I can continue it any longer if there are no changes to improve it. I feel no authenticity in your sparse words of encouragement anymore and that is something that will take time to repair; it’s not as simple to fix as it was to damage. In case it isn’t clear, if there’s something I need to do for you, tell me and I’ll try to do it. I just can’t handle this world of half truths anymore. I yearn for the instrumentality of my heart with another, with many, and if that is something that could never be provided so be it.