I lied. I’m sorry. You asked me if you’d “never see me again” whenever I graduated and I lied. With how our relationship has been, I don’t know that you would. I don’t know. I think I need more from you. I feel like every time we’re together it’s because I ask you to and it’s because you can’t say no. I have this growing suspicion that maybe you hate me. You haven’t messaged me first in almost a month, and I feel I know very little about your current life. So if I’m going to see you again, I want you to organize something, I want you to tell me you want to see me. You don’t have to do anything. I’m just tired of being this “dog like pathetic” you hate. And maybe it’s okay we won’t see each other again and maybe you’re okay with that, in which case, nothing has to change.
The other things I want to say are just closing statements.
I don’t want to lose the image of you I have. I want to remember making cupcakes with you. I don’t want to lose that to time and distance. I don’t want to watch my understanding of you wither and fade away into nothingness the nothingness of a seemingly one-sided attachment. I’m sure I’ve said all this before and don’t remember, I don’t seem to remember anything, but I want to hold on just a little bit longer before it gets overwritten by too many things that are negative.
I wrote you that letter and you cried and somewhere along the way I fucked it up. I’m really sorry, I just fucked everything up and I objectified you. At some point you became not a human that I loved but a thing that I wanted to rescue, a thing I wanted to have for myself. I’m so fucking sorry that I put myself in a position where you thought you could trust me and I did that to you. I feel like Brad Armstrong. That’s probably a little egotistical because you know, the line that Buddy says at the end of the game “you’re the one that hurt me the most” I don’t think you’re going to say that to me, I don’t think you care.
You’ll always have my contact information, you’ll always be able to find me if you need me. Always, no matter how long. I think I’m going to stop reaching out to you and if you don’t want to see me that’s okay. I’ll get the message, I’ll understand, okay? I’ve really grown and changed a lot because of you, and it’s given me a lot of complicated feelings about you. There’s been some growing pains, it’s been really painful to change, to be something different, to say that I want something, you know, to say that I want a lot of things. It’s hard. I’m really thankful you taught me that, but I got mad at you because it hurt. That wasn’t right and I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. EVER. Not ever. Everything you said that made me feel bad, I needed to hear. Nothing, the only thing maybe is that I feel like you don’t want to talk to me, and maybe that’s true, and that’s okay. I’ll respect your wishes. Maybe it was just right place at the right time, and that time is over. No hard feelings.