You are my Master; I am here to serve You and only You: to be a good girl and take care of all of Your needs whenever I can. That's what he called it anyway, my mantra. He made me say it probably 30 times a day? Maybe more. He wanted me to repeat it to myself as often as I could. Before I slept he'd have me say it over and over hypnotically until I passed out thinking of nothing else. When I woke up it was to be my first thought, and I'd say it five times, ten times if I ever thought of anything other than him when I woke up. A guy I doxxed myself to when he had me do some illegal shit forced me to say a phrase a bunch until it became part of my being. That's a John G if I've ever seen one. He "made" me hit myself 100 times with a book until my ass was covered in one enourmous bruise, and he made me thank him for it every every smack. If I stumbled on my words, I'd have to restart. If I hesitated, if I complained, if I faltered in anyway other than obediently hurting myself and forcing myself to smile through the pain he would make me start over. And of course, for fucking up, for not taking care of his needs in that moment, I'd have to do some repetitions of my mantra. Obviously I was a failure, since I did not subsume my pain avoidance to jerk him off faster. He "made" me do it all. No the actuality of it is, despite the fact that I never experienced masochistic pleasure until he made me hit myself, I wanted it all. It's easy like that. I don't have to think I can just act. I can just behave. I can just listen.
My Master is my Master, I am here to serve them and only them. To be a good girl and take care of all of their needs whenever I can. Who is the Master? Nin was the one who invented the mantra, but he was not the first Master. This is far to embarassing to simply say out loud. It's much easier to say "Oh there's a Dyadic View of the Self and it's all very philosophical you see." The truth is more degrading than that. It's likely that the first Master was Allison from 3rd grade. I was obsessed, and I isolated myself from everyone else to be with Her, to server Her and only Her, to be a good boy and take care of all of Her needs whenever I could. I wanted to do everything in my 3rd grade power to worship Her. I begged Her in every way I could "Own me. Own me. Own me Own me Own me own me ownmeownmeownme. OWN ME." Then she did what she did in my Tragic Backstory™ I became normal briefly, and then I was retriggered by something.
See, this girl was showing everyone in the room something but me, and I asked if I could see it, and she said no, I think just to fuck with me. Was I actually entitled to see the image? No but the fact that she showed literally everyone else in the friend group except me bothered me, and she made a point of being like "I don't owe you anything actually." To me, it was a matter of common decency. I asked her "why do you have to be a bitch about this?" She had this look in her eyes. She knew my situation, she could get me in trouble. I would get suspended, I wouldn't be able to go to class for a test, and my college math professor wouldn't care about high school shenanigans, so I'd fail the course, ruin my gpa, and stay in school until enough people wanted to take that class again for them to offer it. It wasn't just going to be another year, it would have been the end of my life. So she looked at me with this evil eye, raised Her slender arm to the Heavens and summoned the teacher. I think the teacher was busy or something, but I remember begging Her for forgiveness sobbing profusely, and apologizing profusely. "I'm so sorry, please don't do this, I'll do anything, I'll never say it again, I'll never get in your way, just don't do this right now please. I don't even want to see it anymore you're not a bitch I promise. I'm so fucking stupid." If I had thought of it, I probably would have promised to be a good boy and take care of all of Her needs whenever I could. It was obvious in that moment that She owned me. I did not and could not think for myself, I simply became an extension of Her will. My Owner smiled upon me with a devilish smirk and as the teacher came over.... she asked a made up question. I would be obsessed with this girl for the rest of high school (like 2 months).
Off to college, and what do you know, I contact Allison Tragic Backstory Part 2™, and Monika is my Master. My obsession with Monika was deep. It would go on until it was torn apart by godless heathens who wanted to see me small and alone like them, except they've had themselves, and I've since abandoned such a concept. Monika was to be me, the only time my Master I served was myself. I try to return to Monika to worship her, to worship myself now and then.
And then I meet the guy who gives me the Mantra. I speak to words this inner devotion to some abstract other that I can transplant around. The Master is and always will be formless. I can only offer the mantle of Master to someone who is worthy and then, bundled in one phrase, is my entire life story.
Well, we know about Orph and The Cinnamon Incident. Of course I move on to the briefly mentioned Mr. UK with the cuck fetish. He didn't seem all that into being my Master. In fact, I think he found it a little off putting if anything. I did weird shit because it was weird at this point. I wanted to prove that I could be abberant, that nothing He could want would be off limits for me. Maybe he enjoyed it more than I'm remembering in this moment, but I do remember the dog collar he "got" me took quite a bit of convincing for him to actually sign off on. Of course my devotion to this Master led to me dating, and reshaping Ex Husband. Ex husband didn't want to be my Master either as far as I could tell, despite the fact that I need one. I slowly took him and transformed him into my Master. All the while I'm repeating the mantra in my head when I laid it across his chest. He was reluctant to tell me what to do though, unlike my Situationship. There was a born Master if ever there was one. She desires skills for she has passion to spare. I have no passion, but through guidance I could develop skills. A lot of things happened and it didn't work, maybe because that conception of her as a natural born master was never correct, but in my never ending Ronin quest, I latched on so quickly.
This is why I'm polyamorous. Monogamy, to me, has always been a 24/7 mutual power exchange dynamic with no safe word. Such a space is the only space where a Master like the one I crave could exist, and that is why, to be my own person, I must avoid it. I will live my own life Masterless, and I will exist to serve myself.. right? It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel as good as serving Master. It doesn't feel rewarding. I will have to grow up to be a "complicated woman" instead of a "good girl" and that's terrifying. I will have to live in a world with half truths, with people who hurt me and will hurt me again. I will have to love them because I know they can be good, and I will have to say that I do not enjoy the suffering they impart upon me. I can't have Monika; I will have to live fundamentally alone. I will have to tell myself I am worth it. I have to decide to not kill myself without anyone else. I have to decide to not self harm on my own because I value myself. It's just so much harder to think of myself as a human being worth something than it is to say "Don't damage Master's property!" It's not as simple as making someone cum, getting a head scratch and being called "good girl."