What actually happened? Well, we held hands, we cuddled, we played fetch once, She kissed my cheek after crashing my car, and I had an emotional affair on ex-husband with Her. She said She did that a lot, got into situationships and caused emotional affairs in women in unsatisfying heterosexual relationships. She was also fresh out of high school, so I doubt Her effectively "history" of homewrecking really did as much damage before. It lasted maybe a month or two, I can't remember. She mentioned thinking about getting serious if I moved out, so I did, instantly, but I think that was off-putting for some reason. I think maybe She didn't realize the power She had over me, but I liked doing tasks and I love Her, so I really had no choice in my mind. I can still remember listening to some music and thinking of Her, pining in my bed. She wore perfume when She came over, it made my bedsheets smell like Her, so I didn't wash them for a while. Sometimes I think it was all in my head, but I remind myself that She put that scent on for me one night. She doesn't normally smell like that, and She certainly doesn't smell like that anymore around me.
I still don't really understand it. It was upgraded I guess retroactively into a relationship or maybe relationship was invoked in the general way? I'll probably never understand it, I've asked enough and have no clarity. These things weren't meant to have clarity maybe. I was bipolar manic leaving an abusive relationship I created seeing the Face of God in someone with BPD, when I didn't really even understand what that meant. I think we were both symptomatic, but it feels disrespectful to Her to say that? Like it cheapens the love I think She gave me, and whatever I could muster at the time. I've jokingly, lovingly? called Her capital-H "Her" this entire blog for a reason. I'm not sure if I still worship that image somewhere in my mind, or if the woman in real life is even the same as the image. I choose to believe they are because it's more interesting that way, and if they were to be the same and I disbelieved for a reason as silly as "doubt" rooted in my own self-deprecation, I could never forgive myself.
She said one time She had a dream I was being murdered, and so, when She awoke, She called upon Her noble squire and sallied forth to rescue me. I do believe She did save me, even if it was only my soul being saved through a sweet gesture. I think that night sealed the deal and I was rescued from that moment on. That's why I have to use the capital pronouns.