I was accepted into the Program for Exceptionally Gifted Students (PEGS) and I had a very very very big head about it all. What more could a 3rd grader want in life? Running fast, being smart, having financial stability in your household? From a certain perspective, the goal being to reproduce, find a suitable, attractive mate, or at least, someone who would be good to copulate with 10 years in the future and create progenous gene seed. Hence, I completed myself by examining thoroghly the three eligible bachelorettes. One in particular caught my eye for Her duplicitous nature, Her ability to embarrass the average 3rd grade "ape" that exists on the lower plane of consciousness. I was infatuated, and She systematically cut me off from everyone else in my life in the name of devotion. Ignore my work, do it at home and forget my parents. Stop seeing my friends and see Her. Only see Her. I told Her, "I love you, not in the kid way either, but in the way that your parents probably do. I want to share a life with you, live with you, study with you. I want to look at colleges for us to go to together to study, so we never have to be apart for the rest of our lives. Allison, I love you." Stunning silence. Silence for a week. Isolation for a week with no network. I waited for Her to come to terms with the next step in human evolution we would usher in together.
that She didn't love me. Well, this couldn't be true. I ran to Her best friend, and she told me where I could find Her. She told me She never even liked me. She told me it was a game, to see if She could fool me, to see how long I'd play along in my fantasy, and it would never end. She told me I'm just like everyone else, I'm just as stupid as every other ape on the planet. I ran, it couldn't get worse. It didn't get better though, and I realized the problem wasn't with Her, it was with my head, and the only way to escape your own head is to kill yourself. You can bite your finger like a carrot, if only you have the will. Did I have the will? Did I have the strength of mind to collapse my windpipe? I pressed and I pressed, hard, coughing, looking around, looking for "help" that would institutionalize me. A child I bullied with Ali told me that what I was contemplating was going to be painful so I should wait until I get home. I did, and entered a depression for a long time.