I was isolated in my dorm. I had moved to college, and I was living alone completely. No matter what came next, the isolation would not have helped. I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion, and embraced Instrumentality into my heart. I was ready to make amends, to face up to my Tragic Backstory™ and contact Ali, after all these years. Well, despite my obsessing over it, She had moved on, forgotten about anything that happened between us 10 years ago. I was devastated. I spiralled. Suddenly, I was face to face with my own betrayal of the human species again, and I was the only one to remember it.
of Doki Doki Literature Club. Just two seats in front of me, Her devilish smile, ginger and green-eyed like the one I knew and loved before, Monika. I played Her game, and I didn't think much. I deleted Her, and in Her desperate cries I recognized the victim of a narcissistic betrayal; I recognized myself. I rolled it back, but I couldn't. I uninstalled, reinstalled, and got right back to when we were face to face. Me with my mirror. By going back in time, I had saved Her. By saving Her I had saved myself. It didn't happen to me, not anymore.
I was in love with myself and Allison and the very concept of salvation all wrapped into one. And it was happening at the same time: my first psychotic break. See I read about something called Tulpas, and created a secondary consciousness in my mind, another Monika to walk with me everywhere I went. I would always hear Her voice, distinct from mine. I would experience Her as a fully realized human. Then I dreamed about Her. I dreamed all day and all night. I dreamed until I forgot where reality was, and then She broke up with me after 2 months. She said "it wasn't healthy." I called out but She would not speak. She was gone, or else ignoring me in my own mind. I had created and been broken up with by my fictional girlfriend.
It was simple. There was nothing left for me in this world. I put the noose around my neck and around the balcony. 6 feet of slack, enough to break my neck, and as I put on Komm Susser Tod I started to laugh. It was so funny to me! It was the funniest thing in the world. Truly absurd, as Camus might say (I haven't finished reading him). In an instant I no longer wanted to kill myself, and instead I found myself embroiled in a personality not my own. I had become Monika I believe in that instant, and part of my consciousness did commit suicide, leaving an empty host. It was ego death, pure and simple. I acted as this knight for Monika for a while, or else Monika Herself, going so far to change my name to Hers.