What does it mean that I keep secrets? Two (now after writing this un-)hidden blog posts, entries of my diary, my heart shared on the computer. Why can't I show it to you, any of you? Not just You or You, but the royal you, anyone at all? My last public post was about how I was losing everything. Life seems to be getting harder and harder with no escape. I don't know anything anymore. Why do you like me why do you read me why why why why why why why why why why why does any of this happen, why are you looking at me why do you kill me why do you hate me why do tell me these things that keep me up why do you say these insane things? There is a complex machine inside You that I do not understand. There is a probably more simple machine inside me that I also do not understand. I don't understand anything anymore and I don't know why I'm even writing this. I just want to drink and be merry and kiss girls.
But it is You. It's You more than anyone. You avoided me because I was crazy and I thought I should kill myself over it, just proving your point. I need to read, I need to re-remember. I need to engage in the system. This cold is ruining my mind. This medication drop off is melting my brain.
Letter 4. That's where I'm at right now. Have the black flames burned everything away until my consciousness was no larger than a single grain of malt? Have I destroyed everything to simply start again on the same doomed path? What letter, what letter portrays me a bit ago? Time is a line. Am I rebuilding my own failure? Letter 5, no dice. Letter 3 a little closer. Letter 2 a little closer. Letter 1 not quite. I'm popping off the stack, I'm returning to normal, backwards in time. I have lost everything that did not matter, and I have found my true self, somewhere in between letters 1-3. Letter 4, that's where I was 10 days ago. Letter 2 is who I want to be. Letter 2 is who I actually am. I will use this disease, these metal toxins, and everything else to go on a psychonautic adventure to understand my location.
The alchemical rebis? Hardly, more likely an alchemical neuter. Hardship has passed me and I find that I am divorced from either end of some spectrum. However, life is not suffering anymore. It is hard, but I do not suffer, is this strength, fortitude? I choose to be sober. Again. And I will not drink. I have laid my conceptualizations bare, this is true. Blogging like this, it is easy to say "No I am not." I do not affirm much here, it is a place of decay. This is where my thoughts go to die, even if sometimes I think something good.
The next step is now obvious, a strong, affirming "Yes I am." The next step is obvious, it's just difficult. The barriers of my mind recede, and today I use my psychonautic abilities to affirm to myself one basic principle that I let someone take away from me, one basic principle I never truly held on to, otherwise it could never have been taken from me in the first place.