Letter to Her: FINAL

"How stupid is it, I can't talk about it, I've got to sing about it, and make a record of my heart" - Pinkerton, Rivers Cuomo

"How can I tell you what I'm really feeling?"
"Homura?"
"After all... I'm... I'm not... even living in the same time that you are Madoka!
...
You see, I... I come from the future.
I've met you over and over, and each and every time I've had to watch you die. What do I have to do to save you? What do I have to do to change your fate? Searching for just that answer, I've kept redoing this month. What do--
I'm sorry... I'm not making any sense, right? I must seem horribly creepy, right? After all, to you...I'm just some transfer student you've barely known a month. But to me... to me, you are...
The more times I redo all this, the further in time we drift from one another. Our feelings drift further apart and my words don't even reach you anymore. The truth is, I think I've been lost for a very long time now."
"Homura..."
I will save you. That was the feeling that I started this all of this with. And now, it is the only thing I have left to guide me. It's okay if you don't understand. It's okay if my words don't reach you. But, please, Please... just let me protect you." - Madoka Magica.

I've got a theory as to why I think things feel weird with you sometimes and how to fix it.

I've been thinking about relationship decay like a lot, as well as the time you said you didn't feel it when I confessed my undying love for like the bazillionth time. I feel like you feel fairly distant from me, but I don't feel distant from you. You sometimes even ask if I hate you. Obviously there have been times I needed space and times I've had some... strange opinions that aren't really based in anything, but I think like, for you it's been a year since we met right? Because it has.

For me it's been a lot less. We only saw each other a couple of times in the spring, but we used to see each other a lot during the fall. I think maybe, with or without realizing it, you're pulse modulating the intensity of our connection. You see me infrequently because that's what's appropriate for the level of connection with me you feel, but I'm not experiencing the decay you experience. This pulse modulation doesn't make me feel like we're not as close, it makes me feel like less time has passed. I'm used to seeing you a couple times a week, even though that's been more untrue than true, I haven't had as many instances to update this. I'm learning off instances of seeing you, not the time that's passing.

To me, you're still the same woman I want to go on adventures with. When you say stars make you feel a little better, I want to drive you out to the darkest spot I can find. I'm still in the apple orchard, I'm still watching your moldy pumpkin get eaten by squirrels in Granite. I still feel you fighting over the monopolistic rights to my body. I'm stuck outside your dorm asking foolishly if you'd let me kiss you, on the lips, since you asked where.

I haven't seen your friends since that one time. I'm being resegregated maybe. He got to meet your friends, he is your friend, and I can never be in the same room as him.

They say that when given a choice between a milkless cloth mother and a milkful wire mother babies prefer the cloth mother to death. Obviously we grew up very differently. I can't help but wonder if that's related to why I feel this way, I'm so used to being ignored that even when I think you're consciously, pointedly doing it to me in my head, when I know I should feel it and move on, it never makes it to my heart. Wire mothers make wire children, who can't see cloth at all.

"Why? Why?! NO matter how many times I try, why can't I win?!
If I go back again... I'll only make Madoka's destiny worse...
Then in the end... everything I've done..."
"That's enough. You've done enough Homura."

You reassured me once that you don't view our relationship as largely negative and indicated that this may be shocking to me. I guess it was. I can't track down the quote. I think you told me I've given back enough. "Won't you believe in the answer that the one you've 'protected' all this time has found?"

"I said I would return when the robin builds his nest, but I ain't never coming back. I'm sorry... I'm sorry.....I'M SORRY"

I can't say I'll see you forever. I can't say I'll see you after December. I put my whole soul into trying not to say this, but it's time, because I've got to say it eventually. Please, whatever you do, can you at least act a little surprised? Can you pretend I wasn't this impending doom, can you tell me you don't feel abandoned? There are no more guarantees in our relationship, so...

"At the beach from the whale comes one... last... dance..."

So lets do this, let's have one last attempt, a good old college try. I want to go to events and see you and hang out and make new memories. I wanna get normal, lets be normal a whole whole lot together because I can't do this any other way, and, as you've told me, I don't owe you anything else. I'm not gonna think about how I can do things you want for you, about how I can be what you tell me. I'm gonna think about what I wanna do to you, and hopefully you'll think about things you wanna do to me, and we'll get a good look at whether we get what we want from that.

"I don't wanna be an old man anymore, it's been a year or two since I was out on the floor, shakin' booty making sweet love all the night. It's time I got back to the good life"