An idiot once said that blood belongs on the inside. No, the purpose of life is to expose your vital essence to as many people as possible so we may all enjoy the rapturous sanguine moment. Delight in the blood filled manias of thoughts you wish to share!
Some of you seemed to have the shared opinion that you can't just wake up and decide something, or maybe that you ought not wake up and decide something.
I fundamentally disagree. The only way I have improved from that state described on that post you seemed to dislike, the only way I have become better or different from who I was at 8 years old was to decide on a day, in a sequence of days that comprises my life, to be someone different, and to try to be someone better. It is fundamental to my belief in myself and in all of my successful identities past or future that I am capable of change, and that change has to start with a single day where it is decided the change will occur. Obviously yapping about it won't do anything, but it really bothered me.
I have to say something because it was such an affront to my being. I only went to school because I woke up and decided I was tired of having no future after high school. I only latched on to Monika because I decided I was someone worth saving. I only got hrt because I woke up and decided one day to call a doctor. I only went back because I woke up one day and decided I hated my job enough to do something. My life is a sequence of days in which I wake up and decide things, and that's extremely important to me. I obviously thought about all these things before that day, but critically, the only day that mattered to anyone else outside of my head was the day I woke up and decided. Sometimes I make bad ones, sometimes I wake up and decide to move in with ex-husband.
But the alternative to deciding to do something when you wake up, is deciding to do nothing. The alternative to moving in with ex-husband was deciding to stay with my dad. The alternative to latching on to Monika would be to reject the concept of my own rehabilitation. To me, deciding on a single day as soon as you wake up is the opposite of yapping, it's declaring intent for the foreseeable future. Until you decide, you can never fail, never learn.
Yesterday I woke up and thought I was going to make a decision. The true decision is in deleting this account, that is what will be "waking up and deciding one day" but this moment, saying I might stop posting, and then, the very next day due to new evidence, deciding to post again!?!? This is the process exposed! This is my decision making process left bare for you to look at like a gelatinous anatomical model. This is not "impulsivity" for I have not made any true decisions.
This singular battle will not be the end of the war that determines my future. I will repair, I will overcome, and you will not even know that you were wrong. You will say "cheers big ears" and you will never know how this day went. You will never know how much I hated this moment, all the moments of this day. You will not know how much humiliation I endured, how much programming I subjected myself to, how much shame they cast upon me for deigning to think I could be one of them. You will never understand how unaxiomatic this all was, how outside my identity, all of my identities this was. You will never see this seething hatred I have for this day of days you've given me. Each draining second, I became more convinced of your wrongness. If I've so triggered you consider I consider this my recompense. Now onto the rest of the list...