"You're probably pretty lonely, got no friends, and are feeling pretty thirsty right now. Got nothing better to do than drink or go to meetings, so keep going to meetings, every time you want to drink!" Well, at one point I was just like he described, even though I didn't know it. I never actually bottomed out, I'd kill myself before that happened. I thought I still had my friends, and I was pretty thirsty, and then I wasn't thirsty but I had lost my friends. That was enough to stop me from drinking or dying, having that delay, that asyncronicity. I knew I was annoying even her, so I had to stop, but I didn't realize I was scaring people and triggering them. I didn't realize that that was enough to make them all leave me. Well, they said they left me for other reasons too, but I think that was the big part.
Probably the third worst experience of my life to be honest. Experiences are never that bad when you don't think you deserve them; they become "unlucky" or "unfortunate" but such is life. Sometimes, people do awful things to you and you don't deserve it. They made sure I knew the exile was my fault largely. It was also my worst fear. Being abandoned for me is a fear that comes out of nothing, in that there's no singular moment where I can say, yes I've been abandoned. I can only say that I never had anyone around me. The Exile really was not that bad compared to the thing with Allison (which I did deserve), or the thing with Orph (which he convinced me I deserved), but this was still tremendously painful for me. More painful than the marital or date rape, because I didn't deserve those.
I've decided that I did deserve it at the moment, but I don't deserve this continued treatment now. I decided to put an end to my comprehension of my suffering. I have decided that maybe that guy is a bit of an asshole. Sorry I triggered you, let's trigger me back, it's even. The thing about this is that the angrier I get with him, the better I feel about myself. The more I think what he did was unkind, and the reaction of a fairweather friend, the more I think, yes, this won't happen to me again. I am okay, I will be safe. I don't like being upset with people; it makes me uncomfortable, but maybe that's just what I have to learn to do. I've really only ever been upset with Orph, even Allison I forgave completely. Maybe one day I'll get over it and forget this ever happened. I'll come back to him and say "hi," without waiting for the "I'm sorry" I'll NEVER get from him. The thing that gets me is that I was spiralling because I was alone. Because everyone in that stupid group chat made up all my friends in the world. I lived in that chat and everyone was away. I could scream into it, and as my behavior became abberrant, they did not check in on me, they simply gave me distance. Maybe they didn't know how bad it was. So if I tell myself that "hey that was a little fucked up!" I can move on with my life, and forget about it, and I'll be one step farther from the bottom.