that if I had trouble playing Pathologic 2, I should read Albert Camus writing "The Myth of Sisyphus." This text now fills me with immense dread, and I fear that if I finish reading it, I may kill myself, despite its seemingly anti-suicidal nature. I mean, She wouldn't tell me to kill myself if I couldn't beat Her game right?
a story about an actor playing a family doctor returning to his homeland, learning the ancestral arts, clearing his name, and becoming a Menkhu healer, curing the disease. Pathologic 2 is also a game about being Pathologic 2, as in the sequel to Pathologic 1, which is, much like Oranjese lit, is about how much it sucks to live in the steppe. These games are, in my opinion, mechanically unfun. I asked Her about this and was told effectively that She enjoys games that aren't simple pleasure, but later that She actually finds the game mechanically interesting to play. I can only assume that my initial interpretation of this indictment of my own feeble-mindedness was simply symptomatic, as I was Going Through It™, and She actually is just a fan of the survival horror genre in a way that I am not. This may be feeble-mindedness still, but not so directly, it's more vague, less... directed. Anyway, Mark Immortell.
the director of the play that you're an actor in. He shows up and taunts you when you die, because he thinks you're not taking it seriously enough, but I was taking it as seriously as I could. I was being gaslit into thinking my character bleed was not enough, the blood I gave wasn't enough. This was far too reminiscent of my ex-not-boyfriend Orpheus Nilus mentioned in The Cinnamon Incident. Additionally, he further thinks that P2 is a degredation of the experience in P1, modified for a casual gamer audience, who will actually complete the play, complete the game, instead of dropping out. Being called out for my character bleed problems really got me distressed, and I became an alcoholic. I hated Mark. Mark took everything from me, but I had to persist for Her, to play this game I hated, that hated me.
a symbol of the end then. I was drinking every night, about 8 shots a day. I lived with nobody and saw no one. I could not handle Pathologic anymore, and I chose drinking over Her guidance. I thought I was "making it." I thought I was enduring it. I became psychotic at this point. This text is entangled with that complicated time of my life. To read it now would be to realize my own alcoholism and rebirth was a sham, or else I will have to kill myself. IT SCARES ME. I will have to read it.. eventually... after I finish blogging.....