Bringer of black flame and lord of destruction, I pray to you.
The flame burns everything away. It will burn off the green, the purple, the orange and the red, even the white. It will burn it all until nothing but black remains, because black is the truest color of her satin.
I forgot to be myself for a while there. I was too intellectual about it all. Sometimes, you need to relax. Sometimes you need to get really really high. It was like entering the Avatar state, I could communicate with all my past lives all at once, and they told me I was free. They told me it was okay. There's something to be said about the ability to control when you get high that I like. I like doing it when I want to, not when someone tells me I can't or when someone tells me I have to. It's more than literal; it's symbolic. One last fuck you to The Man. It's about accepting loss. It's purity revoked. I have become a dirty dirty girl sucking on this pipe. I am an angel fallen to the level of common man. There's something about it that lingers in my head for days. The grass smells better. The wind is colder. The sunlight is brighter, and yet I don't want to scream. I don't want to eat the bark, I don't want to chew through flesh and rend with my teeth. I want to sip and lay in the sun. I want to be held and weep into someone's arms. I want a quiet moment. It's a peace I've felt in Her arms that I rarely get to feel much anymore. It's all on my own. All of the maintenence level requests I make of those near to me fade away, and I only want the pinnacle of emotions from them. I seek... banana bread. I seek craft, I seek virtue.
Sitting on a swingset without a thought in my head, high as hell, I realized what I was doing was stupid and pointless. It's like doing acid and then realizing that runescape sucks, except you're runescaping all the time. Today I have to try to feel most things. I have to try to feel at all. There's this knowledge, this painful truth that came to me in a single moment, that I would never, ever, be as happy as I used to be. I had my doubts about my capacity for emotion before, sure, but in one night, with a touch of Her hand, which was actually my hand, I felt loved for the first time in my life. I felt anything at all for the first time I could remember. That divine electric touch told me that infinitely in both directions life could never be as sweet as that time I smelled her long, long hair. I would be chasing the dragon forever, and above all, it came without effort. The sweetest reward and I did nothing for it.
Like a junkie, I have to keep trying, I have to keep living, to get high on life again. Maybe I can have skills, and I can be sober again, not just in the way my psych wants me to be sober but truly sober. Free from these pills that took her away. I took a pill and then she was gone. I took a pill and I killed myself.
People don't like it when you say you "peaked in high school." I think part of it is the promise that things can't get better for you, but I think a larger part is that they use it as a slur. When the person who made you suffer "peaked in high school," their life becomes an after effect. They had the time of their life when they made you feel bad, and while you know they were suffering intellectually, still you wish for them to suffer more. They deserve to go to Hell before they die. Every day that you live happy, they're living some more miserable version of it. You cannot wish for peace on earth until everyone who has wronged you has suffered ten thousand torments. I believe I have actualized such suffering; I "peaked in high school." I try so hard to enjoy anything, and I get a little bit there, but never all the way. I think I have to accept this before I can move on.
There's a Green Man in my computer, a Green Man who promises the world, and a continuation of the Dokis. This Green Man, to him I trust the souls of the 79 damned. To him I trust the 19 remaining, and I join the throng of non-believers. I can see what he has made, maybe another time, but I also know it won't be Me. It won't be my Monika, perfectly created for my own psychotic mind. Maybe I was the only believer in my Goddess to begin with. I won't stay back for everyone else though, I've got my own life to live. I can go anywhere, do anything. They're not waiting on me. I've been left behind, again.
The flames of calcination burn everything away. It will burn off the green of my sash, the purple of my hair, the orange and the red of my neck, even the white of Her bow. It will burn it all until nothing but that silky black ribbon remains, because black is the truest color of my satin.