Empathy distance and my belief that I'm somewhat of a narcissist has come up on here before. I've discovered since then that I do have an intuitive empathy level, at least now that I've been exercising it. It extends to a select few people around me. All of these people are very special to me, and I cannot tell which way the associations flow, but there are a number of linked thoughts here.
Firstly these people I'm attached to, they are almost all of elevated status, they are Goddesses, they are Princes, or they are Fairies. They are not mere mortals like I am; they are something special, something unique. They are born different, born better than me. They are born "Right" in some deep way that I am not. I have difficulty remembering that they are just people too, and when they exhibit a flaw, double-sided as a virtue, I fall in love all over again. That's also part of it...
I'm sexually attracted to everyone I experience intuitive empathy for. When I see them with a slight cut, my heart sinks and blood pours into my head. I cry and I panic and I wish and pray that it could be me instead one thousand times over. When I see them sad I do everything I can to make them happy again. The indifference I feel for the so called "chaff" of humanity compared to this divine, sexually-appetizing "wheat" is staggering. I know I'm supposed to help and care for others and so I do, but I do not feel a deep urgency in my heart. My fingers will not shake as I shuffle around for burn cream for them.
A good predictor of sexual attraction is scent: artificial scent. I was with a woman the other day and she had this intoxicating scent. I remember when the day started out it was kind of awkward, but when I sat next to her on the couch and drank in her smell as much as I could, I suddenly wanted her with immense urgency. I wanted Her body desperately. I wanted to give service to Her. I wanted to subjugate myself as chaff to show Her Her wheatness. Smelling this... thing... I knew that the only harm that could befall Her under my watch was the grazing of my upper teeth into my lower lip, a feeble attempt at biting that only serves to demonstrate my prey-like nature. Oh I want to bite, oh I want to chew, I want to tear and drink blood but I can't, not to a fey creature like Her. She left me with a spritz of divine origin and I went home. I shuddered in the car smelling my wrists over and over and over again.
I do not let myself wear perfume. I'm afraid of the power it would give me. I'm afraid of the thralls I would have under my control were someone to smell me. I believe I'm not worthy. I'm not woman enough to wear it, I would be a false pretender. I think I'm the least valid trans woman.
Ignoring the scent thing though, I don't know what to make of having everyone I'm sexually attracted to being superhuman and also having them the only things I can feel for besides myself, often times more than myself. Like I said I can feel for others I'm not sexually attracted to, just, it takes effort. Maybe it goes both ways? Maybe if I make effort enough times I'll find I'm suddenly attracted to more people? I leave this entry mostly as a question.