The Expression

People are always asking me "why are you smiling?" "what's that look for?" etc. when I'm doing something I think I'm supposed to enjoy and I'm obviously not. They can tell but I convince them, I tell them a lie and I tell the lie to myself that it's what I'm really feeling. I'm really happy in that moment. I think it's supposed to look *suggestive,* I'm afraid it's meant *for the ladies.* They pause for a little but with the promise of something more and my all-too-eager pleading, it continues until it is over and I realize I didn't really enjoy it at all.
I know I make "the expression." I know I make it when I'm out and about. I know I make it when I'm manic, but I don't look in the mirror all the time. I can't know when it takes hold of my face. In these moments of fear and confusion and intimacy, when my mind blanks, my body goes still, and the brain blue screens does it take hold? Well, why else would they ask me about my face so much in those moments....