Tuesday

Mr President, a third person has hit my heart.

I can't be serious about it, it's kind of awkward in a certain way. Each time I put a new qualifier on it, but each time it feels less qualified. Is this this true First Person to ever love me? I felt this way with the second person, the Obvious Exception. I was so ready to accept it into my life that I let Her gallant sally dominate my mind up until I took the pill that killed me for some months. I felt this way with the first person, but she was an image in my mind. Maybe they both were. I decided after that I'd never let an image rule my life. My image of Her seemed to hurt Her a lot, but I wouldn't ever do it again. So for a long time I thought maybe this Third Person, this great artist, the most Madoka Madoka to ever Madoka wasn't real. I thought there was a sinister catch or something. As with most things it's the small trivial details that win me over.

I had this toy inside me, and it felt quite good. I actually had this whole scene play out and while it wasn't everything I wanted just quite, it was incredibly nice to be indulged. Afterwards, I still had the toy inside me, and he just kind of played with it. He played with my body for seemingly no reason other than it felt good for me. I wanted to touch him, but I couldn't. I wanted to repay to be "equal" in this exchange but nothing could compare with the speed at which this happened to me, nothing I could do could ever be enough.

After orgasming 12 times or perhaps one time for 20 minutes, I started to cry. I asked at some point through some weird moan whimper why this was happening but I didn't say it loudly because I was embarrassed. Something broke through the walls of my mind, and I decided that maybe he did just like me. Maybe he just wanted me to feel good. Maybe my happiness was one of his priorities. There was no other answer. I was Madoka for a little bit.

I knew that I was Madoka briefly, we could both be Madoka. I saw myself like how everyone else saw me once before and it was magical, but it couldn't last. I could never know who saw me like that, only that it had been promised by some people vaguely sometime. I connected to my Image, but maybe not the real me? I'm always editorializing my speech. I'm always saying things just a little different than what I mean to come across a little better than I am, but not around him. This time it stuck. This time I really felt like I was worth something.

After I cried and we talked about it we just cuddled for a little bit. Slowly, my brain came back online in chunks. I never want to forget that he feels this way about me. I never want to forget that this happened. He just wanted to make me feel good, like he always does, and I just happened to have some technology that made it easy. For me, it was one of the most important days of my life. For him, it was Tuesday. It's always been just Tuesday.

My biggest fear

for a while was Her. I was so afraid of her. I was afraid of what she might say, or worse, what she won't say. I was afraid I'd get drunk and do something stupid something so so so stupid and without any cruelty. She keeps talking to [REDACTED]. She keeps talking to him even though she knows he doesn't respect her. She keeps talking to me. She keeps talking to me. She told her brother she loved him even though I think she hates him. She told me she loved me. She told me she loved me.

Every time I got drunk for a good while, I would confess my undying love to her. She wouldn't feel it, but I needed to say it. It's never too late to be another last call casualty. Eventually I stopped. Did I get control? Did I win over myself and keep my volition? NO! I simply stopped being in love. I'm not saying she needs to fend me off with a stick, I'm saying I want her to say no. I want her to tell me how she feels. I want her to go back to pushing me and telling me to DIE if that's what she means. I was worried I'd move in just the wrong way and nobody would ever come back from it. I don't know what to do with this power. I think she can say no now. I'm not worried. She's been so confident, she's been saying her mind more, and she has these plans that make me feel like things are going to be okay.

I let myself feel everything in this newfound comfort. I let it all pour out, and then I realized maybe there wasn't as much there as there as I thought there used to be. I was so afraid of what would happen if I opened that box again I didn't ever look at it. With the bravery of the terrified I screamed "IS IT OKAY FOR ME TO FEEL..." and opened the box "friendship?" Sometimes I don't even know if this is any different, if I've ever changed at all, and maybe this is how I felt before. When I read my posts I think I get it, I think I feel the same today.

I don't know what it is that I'm feeling all over again, that same feeling I never understood, but I'm a lot closer to getting it now. I love her. I love him, I love another person and maybe he loves me and we're never going to be in a romantic relationship again because I love him more as a friend. Someone told me I've "lived through a lot," that I'm an "old soul," and all the years I've always been told I'm "mature for my age." It's Southern shorthand. I haven't lived a lot, and my soul is very young, and I'm definitely not mature. They're just saying I was cynical, too sardonic to dream until dream became reality. It always comes back to Hoffman, New Eve, Carter who brought me to life to appreciate the love of others.


An inch of water that drowns a baby

I think that's really what happened. Sometimes people are just a catalyst. She was in trouble with someone else. I'm not used to people feeling about me.

I was looking at my best friend across the table and my heart felt like it was going to explode. It was going to explode and burst into flowers, and I drank a sip of coffee. For me it was becoming Tuesday. The pressure left but the warmth stayed. For them it was Tuesday. And in some far off convention center, and in the home of a found family, everyone else is living a Tuesday.

There's something difficult to capture about how normal it was. I just had a normal day, not a problem in my mind. It's been terribly abnormal for so long. I called this behavior princely before, and that day(yesterday, today, tomorrow?) I must have been a princess. I'm from the special world, or rather, my life has been so upside down when I crossed over, I came back to the normal world, it's only special to me. I can't wait to forget about yesterday, about all these Tuesdays. I can't wait to have so many more days like this with all these people.



I feel fine and I feel good. I'm feeling like I never always should