The Phoenix is immortal. The Phoenix never dies. The Phoenix is old, but the Phoenix will be young again. When you're bipolar, you're supposed to live in terms of lifespans. I can really only make 200 sound decisions in my entire life. Make them count! I'm supposed to wait until I become old and young all over again before deciding. Sometimes I'm just waiting for another mood episode before I make a decision. Sometimes I'm hoping I get depressed and think about killing myself so I can find out if this is really what I need. Sometimes I sit around hoping to get manic so I can find out if it's what I really want. I'm always waiting to find out my needs and wants because I don't know them.
Like the impressionable waterfowls of yesteryear, the Phoenix imprints as a baby. I have imprinted dozens of times. Do I like Bayonetta because it's good? Do I like the story of Bayonetta? The music? The gameplay? The sex appeal? Or, was she the first thing I saw when I was born, and I took her to be my mummy? Is Monika "all that"? Harry Du Bois? Big Boss? Or are these the images of things I opened my eyes to when the world began anew? I could never tell you. They always hold a special place in my heart, and I do feel sexy when I hear "Let's Dance Boys", as overplayed as it sounds.
This was always going to be the title of my book if I ever wrote it, "SNR:0." It refers to a situation in which the signal and noise are exactly as loud as each other. There are some fancy filtering techniques that can overcome it I'm sure, but it sums up my experience pretty well. I have no earthly idea whether I'm having a good thought or if I'm simply amplifying the static around me. She said once that "i think you specifically need to be careful with where you go and what media you consume." That sounds easy when you have insight, but I really don't. I can be whoever I want to be, program myself however I want to program myself. That's scary, that's dangerous, because I don't know what I'm programming. A programmer has to be "smarter than the machine" but I am the machine. I cannot be smarter than myself definitionally. I need a charismatic leader to tell me what to think and do. I need the joint efforts of my greatest attempts and the unending support of someone who understands me. I need someone to stick with me when I start acting up. I need at least one of these things. I could take any of them and probably would if someone told me to. I'm that kind of person, or at least, that's what I tell myself.