Someone mentioned that I was too literal in my relation to Pinkerton, so lets go into it. Lets talk about how literal I mean it. I'd do bout anything to get the hell out alive or maybe I'd rather settle down? Yeah, I literally didn't flee the country because of her. I thought this country would kill me and I still think it will, for a variety of reasons. If there's ever a transgender trial to determine who is a good tranny and a bad tranny, I will fail it, and you all will not be invited to my exodus into the mass grave. Regardless of how real this is, I think it's real. I said not only will I die for her, I will die for the potentiality of Her. And now I'm here, and I decided to settle down with those who are near me, that I love. I'd love to be proven wrong, but I think this will be the end eventually. I only have to live 4 more years, but that's unlikely isn't it? I mean that line more literally than Rivers ever meant it. I mean it with all my heart. I mean it in unsent letters to Canada. I mean it in the sense that I liked her WAY too much, and now I have to live with this world where she is half present compared to what she once was. I have someone else now, many other people, and of course I will obsess over them, I don't know how to not obsess. I want to be everything for them. I want to make all their food and read books for them so when they come home I'm everything they could ever need. They say you can't be everything for anyone, but I aspire to such impossibilities. I will stretch my being until I achieve all I want.
She told me it was painful to hear about Pinkerton, and I wonder what that means. I'll always wonder because we do not have the type of relationship where she could tell me. We lack the thing we had once. And at the time there was no other one. I was far far far more isolated than Rivers ever could be. I was so alone in a world where all I saw was her and ex husband and this other guy I don't talk about much. He told me his headband meant goodbye and then he gave it to her anyway because I asked. I think about the symbolism of that event often. I don't want her to ever lose him, especially because of me. I've seen how she acts without him; she loses her shit. I'm just talking about loss now, but I really really really really reallly more than anything more than how much I care for myself more than my life more than anything in the world want to see her protected. I want to live out the promise, the fantasy, the thing, whatever it was, I wrote in that letter to her that she pinned in her room. That's the only thing that matters. I was God once and I wrote a letter to the most beautiful, precious little girl in the world.
... so I sobered up and re-read that letter, which was filled with things I did and things I can't do. I want to believe there's something I can do but there really isn't anything, not anything I'm not already doing.